Wednesday, March 14, 2012

New Year. New Heart.

This is my official first post of 2012. And to note, this is my second attempt at writing this BECAUSE the annoying technicalities of the Internet deleted what I wrote before. Yeah we all know the frustrating feeling when that happens so here goes...It's March and abit has happened since my last 2010 post (WHAT.THE!? A million years ago much?). But I think it would be more appropriate to fill you in on what's happened this year thus far in my life, with a few inclusions of notable 2011 events here and there. Okay side note, this is way too weird that I'm talking about myself. I hate talking about myself, but since this is the beginning I suppose the exception warrants further "me talk" (vomit). I may kill parenthesis' for you all and you will also notice that I over use certain words just because my brain gets lazy.
Let me first just say, I love reading blogs, I feel like I'm a definite closet girly girl in the way that I am subscribed to a whole bunch of fashion blogs that actually aren't girly in anyway, but my cheery over excited reading and my endless fantasies of designer garments does somewhat give me a tick in that girly box. I know those types of "we just tryin to keep it g" girls have this side to them too, as Kanye says "I'm just the first to admit it" . However, one thing I never could understand about these bloggers was how much of themselves they put out in public. It erases the mystery of getting to know someone. Their thoughts, emotions and life is on display in paragraphs and pictures, without guard, without effort. So when Fehi asked me about blogging, I was reluctant. Being a spectator in such an open arena was one thing, being part of the show I deemed unimportant and unnecessary, besides there are enough bloggers out there already. I do confess that the thought scared me, I didn't want people to know THAT MUCH about me, without any shared history. There are certain parts of me that are reserved for close friends or just myself. Guarding my heart is a recent life lesson that I do not want to dishonor, so I will approach this blog with complete transparency, if you find pieces missing, their missing for a reason.
So where was I?...Let's take abit of a back track into 2011. I was in Hawaii, L.A, around the Westcoast abit, back in Hawaii, down to NZ, over in Fiji and back to NZ. I did my last semester on exchange at UCLA and unfortunately due to course technicalities was still two courses shy of graduation. This brings me to my current location, NZ. I decided to do those two courses at Auckland University in their Summer School, which started early January to Mid-February. And now I can confidently say I will be graduating and donning a square hat, a black gown and a massive sigh of relief this coming July. I wish I could say that these months were as easy and simple as this paragraph conveys. October through to January proved to be one of, if not THE MOST difficult time of my life. I had to: swallow the disappointment, shame and frustration of not graduating (on time), adjust to the dynamics of moving back in with my parents as well as a new country, get rid of all the disgusting fat that had accumulated on my body due to 6 months of American food, deal with the loss of someone I love (still love), brave the cold winter and hardest of all re-ignite my fire for God that had grown cold.
I was a different person. Things I use to care about I no longer did and things I didn't care so much about before, I suddenly took an unhealthy liking towards. I felt like I was fighting World War Three every. single. day. My thoughts were the death of me. Someone needed to save me from myself. This is where my pursuit for God began. You find God in both strange and beautiful places. I found Him in my late night runs, in the stars and the bright full moons that broke open the night skies. God never left my side, not even for a second. Not in my sin, not in my grief and not in lack of reverence. During those months, I learnt that He tirelessly pursues you into the depths of your sinfulness till He has reclaimed you.
And now I sit, on the road to graduation, 20kgs lighter with an ignited furnace for God. I am far from where I could be, but man am I alot further from where I came from.
Picture: (1) - In Auckland, rainy day. It sums up what it's been like out here weather & spiritual wise. Hoodie - Target, Denim Vest - Stussy (2) That's in UCLA & it sums up the excitement & joy I had being there.

No comments:

Post a Comment