live free

I have no desire for the beautiful anchors of life - being loved up, being settled in, belonging somewhere and having someone wait for me when I'm gone. That's not the chapter I'm willing to open. Most people I know are buckled down, successfully transitioned into the adult life. I'm the furthest I've ever been. I have a deep desire to live nomadically, never settling, never meeting the same person twice, walking in solitude and learning the depths of a lost human heart so that maybe I could be a sign post to quite ironically, a final destination. 

A while ago I wrote a wee post about this woman and then I found this which only confirms why I wrote it in the first place. Brows, wing tails, dot precision and radiance is what Lianne La Havas is.

They call me a "Plastic Fijian"

I love my culture right down to the parts I am clueless about. Of course I am ashamed of my failed attempts of understanding something that I claim to derive my identity from. But as I grew up a little bit, I realised that maybe my cultural insecurities are a result of a socio-cultural standard and pressures that belittles those who lack knowledge. I would squirm at the label “plastic” or “inauthentic”, but who was I to say any different. There are contemporary versions of my culture that exist in bodies, emotions and values that move in sync with the rapidity of globalisation and technology. In result a cultural hybridity emerges. A merging of traditional & modern worlds if you will. What is birthed are people like me, “plastics”. People who are filled with cultural conviction but physically do not seem to reflect it. This is not an excuse for ignorance. While coming to terms with these processes and possibilities, I’ve come to the revelation that though I’m not as “authentic” as society claims, whatever that means. My identity truly, is in Christ. I am a Christian first & a Fijian second.

Where's Home?

I asked my younger brother if he ever felt like he belonged back home in Fiji and he simply said no and I couldn’t have put it better myself.

 

 

Since we were 5 years old we’ve been forced into the processes of cultural and social assimilation, unpredictable nomadism, gripping farewells and constant personality and tolerance adjustments. We quickly developed a knack for establishing relationships and deepening them swiftly. We became adept to the liberation of lingering emotions that places and people often left upon our brief settlements. We seemed to easily permeate through the boundaries and walls of cultures and various social orders, creating within us a great appreciation for multiculturalism, minorities and general knowledge about the world and the vast array of people that crossed our paths every day. And inevitably we incorporated pieces of these different cultures, people and places within us, which of course sounds exciting and possibly even exotic yet it also rendered us without a sense of ownership not even to the place of our passports.
 

(Source: Adrian Bautista http://vimeo.com/41264088)

Although, my brother and I are only a fraction of what other children have and are going through. We have many friends that we incidentally went to school with as well as grew up with that experienced the same circumstances much more radically than we. Imagine living in a new country every 2-3 years from a very early age till your mid-20s. Born is the “Third Culture Kid” (TCK). An interesting species that thrives on short-lived relationships, carries temporary intentions and expectations, is socially awkward yet,  also socially practiced and speaks with a hybrid other worldly accent normally found acceptable in International Schools.  And with that general overview of the complex layers of a TCK, I arrive at my point, my brother and I never felt like we belonged in Fiji or any of the other countries we’ve lived. There will always be a part of me that will never fully identify with the deep ancestry that runs profoundly through my veins. In no way am I dismissing this beauty of heritage and history that many I have come to find cannot even claim within their own bloodlines. Instead I emphasize that although I know who I am, sometimes I struggle to know where I am from.

I remember in my first year of university I use to think about why I never really felt like I belonged, not even among my own family and every time I would entertain the thought I would hear a small sweet voice tell me that in fact I didn’t belong, that this was only a visit and I was foreigner waiting to return Home. I found solace in these words and I soon would understand my insecurities from a much larger scale. My lack of ownership to any particular place was never a constant nagging in my head growing up, I was definitely aware of the complexities that this word and question possessed especially when encountering others who did not share a similar background. However, I never saw it as a burden, I saw it as something quite funny if anything. At times I find myself loosely using the word origin and sometimes I don’t. Either way a fully confirmed physical origin is not a necessary route to identity, knowing who you are is.

 

Know Somebody 2nd Edition

This next “Somebody” is the Samoan, Fiji raised book loving, song writing, movie adoring Cheyenne Maiava. She has a heart bigger than the ocean that she lives in, a passion that rivals the flames of an arsonist and of course the astuteness that deems her reliable, sharp and degree-worthy. She is currently in the process of conquering the exciting and sometimes tedious world of Psychology and Sociology at the University of the South Pacific. And of course if you’re a uni student that values your sanity you need an escape that isn’t always youtube. Thus, Cheyenne is involved in so many awesome vocal and youth projects and groups, the most notable being a leader for over 60 radical evangelists called the Circuit Riders of Suva. But all journeys have a some sort of beginning and hers was In 2010 with Youth with a Mission (YWAM) in Australia where she stepped out to share the gospel of Jesus Christ for the first time.   Three months later she was off to the highlands of Papua New Guinea to share the Good News, a place not for the weak and weary. After a good two months of growing and learning about the very core of evangalism she eventually found herself on the Hawaiian shores of Kona. Here is where she met her future husband…I’m kidding calm down, she did although meet someone even better, God. She met Him in the school she attended called the circuit riders and again when she travelled to Orange County, California to share the gospel at beaches and universities. She spoke  life, love and destiny to all those who crossed her path, even some unexpected old class mates. By 2012 she threw herself back into the all too familiar whirl pool of education where she is today trying to tie together her passion for Christ and people in a way that will allow her to be a greater and more versatile vessel for God. This is someone worth “Knowing” …

What is the perfect day for you?

Family Quality Time. The moments I grip close to my heart are truly vulnerable. It's when my parents share who they are with us, and when we share our hearts with them. Shedding the facade; reintroducing yourself to your brothers, your sister, your parents. It never looks the same; Sometimes, it's painful and full of tears, other times it's laughing over pizza. My perfect day is filled with quality, valuable, vulnerable, messy moments with the people I love.  My perfect day, is that window of truth and trust. 

 

What usually satisfies your procrastination urges?

I'd either be on my kindle reading, or travelling to another world full of adventure, danger with wonder-filled eyes drinking in love and seeking out the possible in any circumstance; which I believe, is called 'daydreaming'. I'm a professional. First, I'd make sure I was alone, put on some music and start a monologue creating different situations and plots in my head. This can last more than 2 hours if I'm not disturbed. I'd physically act out what I'm saying and feeling- cry, yell, laugh, you name it. So, I'm weird- I own it. 

If you could sit down with your past self how far back would you go and what would you say?

I think throughout the years, I've never been able to let go of 14 year old Cheyenne. The beginning of a long struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts including 2 suicide attempts happened that year. If I were ever to see her, I'd say: "The brokenness; it isn't permanent. The sadness; it isn't forever. Your shame; it was never yours to carry. Hear me now! You are beautiful, and wonderful, and loved, and blessed, and forgiven. Seek Jesus. He will restore you. Beloved, beloved, beloved... You are worthy." 

What are some misconceptions about you?

It's funny, but people never believe me when I tell them I'm shy. Yes, I have been in leadership for years, Yes- I have participated in two beauty pageants, Yes- I give public speeches, Yes- I help lead worship in church, Yes- I preach from pulpits, Yes- I hosted my own tv show (long story), Yes- I will walk up to a stranger and say "God told me to tell you...", Yes- I am outspoken in class, and everywhere, yes yes yes to everything; but heck, I am terrified through it all.  I don't have it together, I'm a bloody mess. Growing up I was always told to Shutup. Things got worse when I started doing tv commercials for digicel and hosted my own tv show in Samoa. The discrimination and judgment blew up. I remember being ridiculed on the local newspaper and being a topic of negative public discussion and attack. That seriously had an affect on my confidence and self-esteem. I had always been a little shy, but boy did it magnify greatly in my teens. So when you see me being "out there" and "crazy", know that I'm making a conscious decision to be vulnerable. I am deliberately stepping out of my comfort zone, being intentional in the killing of my timidness because it is definitely NOT from The Lord. I learnt long ago to walk victorious; to stand up and raise my voice to actively battle in the name of Jesus, and in the name of original design; MY original design. 

Do you tend to lead on your emotions? What are the negative and positive outcomes?

Gosh Tash, these questions are crazy good! This one especially, because it's something The Good Lord has been speaking to me about for a billion years! My instinct is to follow my emotions and bulldoze a situation come hell or high water. It's landed my behind into so much unnecessary trouble. Positives of leading with emotions? Not so much a positive, but; It fuels fire into arguments and creates interesting, and awkward situations. In other words; DRAMA. It causes lots and lots of drama. My advice is to never, ever ever ever lead with your emotions! The reason being that emotions can lie; and lie GOOD. They are fickle! You can FEEL unloved and yet have the most loving family. Here are some of the negatives: (1) you can make a bad situation worse (trust me, it's possible), (2) it encourages stubbornness trapping you in the whole "I'm right, I truly feel and believe I am right" when in fact, you're WRONG. Strong feelings do not equal truth, it just equals 'strong feelings'. (3) it mistakenly gives you license to be either offensive, insensitive, careless, self-serving, inappropriate and/ or rude. The sad truth about emotions is that it is all directed to the 'self' i.e.; how it makes ME feel, how I see it, what I believe, what I'VE been taught... Now, 'Compassion' is a whole other thing. It is separate from emotions. Compassion is based on truth, and Gods perspective - "Lord, how do YOU see it? How does this make YOU feel? Show me YOUR heart Lord!". It's the 'break my heart for what breaks yours' prayer we Christians frequently pray. Separate your views, your emotions from Gods heart and perspective. Take a step back, search your heart, your reactions, take a deep breath and say "Lord, less of me and more of You"

You have been through the amazing processes of learning and becoming what some might say a “qualified evangelist” through YWAM and circuit riders. Does the instituionaliolized learning of Jesus Christ and spreading His Word ever take away from the heart felt purpose of serving in the Kingdom? In other words does learning about God and how to spread His Word in a classroom sometimes leave you feeling like He is a subject to be studied so that you can “pass”?

Ok, so I hate school. Always have. The one hesitation I had about doing YWAM was the 'lecture phase'. I had no idea what a school about Jesus would look like, so I naturally assumed it was going to be like the education system. Ha! I knew squat! First of all it was like no other school I had ever heard of. Secondly, the Holy Spirit was the School Principle. Class times= people on the floor crying, people getting slain in the spirit, miracles, supernatural activity, demonic deliverance, it looked like freedom, love, joy, redemption, restoration, acceptance. Basically, it was a nut house. I had always been to church, learnt about a far away God and a cardboard Jesus. I learnt about scripture, how to memorise them, but I had never understood the Fathers heart, the Sons sacrifice, the Holy Spirits compassion. YWAM is just one of the many Christian non-profit organisations that encourages and facilitates encounters with the Living God. You walk in, take a seat, go through introductions, and then they're like "Hey, let's meet Jesus" and BAM! The Holy Spirit falls, your heart gets wrecked and Jesus melts your face. This can go on for hours, or minutes, depending on what is needed and what God is doing. Then, you take your seats, go through scripture that will help explain and describe what The Lord had just done, then get wrecked all over again because you finally understand what the bible is all about. You are evaluated according to how you're built. Musicians have the option of writing their assignments into song, artists can portray it through visual presentation, poets are encouraged to write poems, and the scholars can write their essays. The first thing my YWAM school leader said to us was "You are here to pass. We are here to do everything that it takes to help you pass". So no, I don't believe that institutions like YWAM take away from the heart and purpose of the Kingdom. If anything, it gives life to it. We need to be INTENTIONAL in our dealings with Jesus. That's what happens in these classrooms. They are filled with kids tired of the facade and are willing and desperate to be intentional in knowing their saviour. There's such beauty in that. 

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of serving as a leader?

All the time. As leader you have to make yourself available. Available emotionally, available mentally, available spiritually, available physically. Your time is not your own. Leaders are servants, down to the washing of feet. On top of that, you have to be humble, strong, vulnerable, loving, firm, discerning and faithful. One of the easiest mistakes to make in leadership is leaning on your own strength and forgetting to spend time with The Lord. I have to constantly remind myself that the fruit cannot be more important than the tree. My ministry cannot, cannot come before my relationship with The Lord

 

I’ve heard interesting whispers of people and their expectations of finding their future partners when they join YWAM. Was this the same for you?

Whispers? Ha! When it comes to spouses and YWAM then you most likely heard a sonic boom. People jokingly say that YWAM also stands for Young Women After Marriage. When I first started in 2010, marriage wasn't on the radar. There was a lot of heart healing that I needed to go through first. Things have changed now. Haha, true talk? I'm so ready for my future spouse (whoever he may be) to whisk me away! 

What have been big spiritual lessons for you in 2013?

1- Did I learn to love? Truly?

2- Even if I blindfolded Jesus, mask my scent, change my appearance, He knows me. His heart calls to mine, and my spirit yearns desperately for Him. I am His.

3- I am called to Honour.

4- Make choices that The Lord would want to bless

5- I am blessed, to bless. It is not about me.

You are majoring in Psychology and Sociology at USP how do you intend to use these as tools in serving God?

I love to counsel and give advice. It's always been in me. Everyone wants to be heard. People are wanting a chance to speak their hearts, but there's just too much noise in the world. I want to be that ear! The one that'll take the time to hear you out. Psychology is good because it explains behaviour and motives. Sociology gives me a view and perspective of collective groups as a whole and how they function, thus helping me understand better. More and more people are going crazy, and they just need someone that'll hear them out and meet them where they are; which Jesus does perfectly. 

If there was a ministry you wish you could be more amazing at what would it be?

The only reason I'd wish to be more amazing at a particular ministry would be to either make it easier for me, or to satisfy my pride at being 'The Best'. I know my heart and it's selfish ways. From my experience, you're only amazing at something when you are serving from a genuine heart, and you love what you do. Evangelising sucked for me until I learnt to love it and see the bigger picture. When you're truly involved, you'll do it in excellence, tunnel vision towards The Fathers heart, investing your all, your everything....and people will be like "you're really good at this", and you'll be taken aback because you were too busy loving on others to worry about how you compare on the 'talent scale' of ministry (and life). "Success looks a lot like hard work"- a quote, from (would you believe it) Ashton Kutcher. 

 

What do you look for in a close friend?

The willingness to build relationship. A 'CLOSE FRIENDSHIP' needs the commitment of both parties. With that being said, some of my closest friendships had awkward starts. One of us was always closed off. The key to opening others up is through pursuit of love, grace, patience and endurance. If you don't put in a lot of effort and show someone how much you value them, then you most likely will lose out on a potential friend and partner for life. Always proceed with wisdom. With all that being said, it's interesting that my closest friends are made up of Christians, Atheists, Mormons, Extremists and Druggies. If you're looking for a ready made "perfect friend", then you're missing out. Go on, EXPAND! 

 

Out of your group of friends you’re generally known as the one who…

Amongst my high-school friends I am: the blonde Samoan, who loves Jesus.

Amongst my YWAM friends I am: the prophetic prayer warrior.

Amongst my Samoan friends I am: the funny, loner girl from Fiji.

Amongst my Circuit Rider crew I am: the wise leader.

Amongst my family friends I am: the quiet good girl that did missions.

Amongst my uni friends I am: the outspoken peer with questions and views who also happens to be a Jesus freak.

Amongst my party friends I am: the ultimate crazy party girl that is going through a "holy phase"

Amongst my Best Friends I am: All of the above, and more.

What does emotional purity mean to you in a relationship?

YWAM Speaker Cora Dawson said to me once "Don't give away your heart, your feelings, your emotions, your touches like it's running out of style! Save them for the one who truly knows the value of what you give". I could write 10 sermons on emotional purity; and from 100 different angles. We could do the whole "we are emotional creatures and our soul forms soul ties and it's unhealthy and it'll disappoint you and make you go crazy and stray you from purity of thoughts and the bible speaks about sinning through your thoughts and be careful because you can be tempted to forsake physical purity blah blah blah so on". All of it true of course! But I had heard it all before and it wasn't affecting me on a deep enough level. Then someone said something I'll never forget. He said "I haven't met my future wife yet, but I know I love her already. Right now, I need to make sure that I don't do anything, think anything, invest into anything that could bring dishonour, shame, insecurity and embarrassment to the woman that I will marry; to the mother of my children." 

If you have had a first love or even just a first relationship what have you learnt from it?

To not be so quick in love and lead head first with what I "felt". I was young, and everything felt urgent and temporary. Don't rush into what you think "Love" is or means. When in doubt, always remember that Love is Patient, Love is Kind, Love is not Jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love is not selfish, Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures every circumstance! - That is straight from the bible folks! Hold it close to your heart, let it breathe new life into what you believe love is to be, let it guide your life, decisions, actions. I wish I had known this before. And now I'm telling you! This is gold, and you're welcome for the free tip :) 

Do you think that Christian men and women are unrealistic about their standards and expectations about their future partners? Should there be a compromise on both sides?

I don't think it's just the Christians that have unrealistic expectations. There's a thing called the  "Dream Husband List". It lists all characteristics and physical features a girl wishes for in a mate. Funny side-note: I've never heard a girl say "I want my future husband to part oceans like Moses and have been raised from the dead like Lazarus".

Girls tend to willingly burn the list when being pursued or courted. Haha, I don't know how to answer this properly because I am definitely one of those girls with high expectations; and surprise surprise, I've been single for over 3 years. Having a Holy standard when it comes to spouses is good. I've been pursued by guys that aren't genuine in their relationship with The Lord, and though they were generally kind and nice men, I said no quickly and effectively shut those doors. I saved myself a lot of heartache because it wasn't long after declining their attentions that they entered into a relationship with someone else. I've seen real pursuit! When Jesus pursued my heart, he waited years and years and never gave up. I've met so many men that are like "I'm going to pursue her the way Jesus pursued his Bride". Unfortunately I was never the "her" being referred to, lol. And The Lord has a funny way of exceeding your expectations and giving you what you wanted before you even knew what that was. Blah...I feel like I'm verbally vomiting and making no sense, so to end this tirade of messy thoughts, I say; NO TO COMPROMISE! Not the good stuff anyway, like: Faith, Good character, Kindness, Generous, Protector, Leader, Compassionate, Good cook etc

 FIRST WORD THAT COMES TO YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU SEE…….

 ·         International - High School

 ·         Husband - Hurry

 ·         Paris - Food

 ·         Beach - Book

 ·         Winter coat - Yikes!

 ·         High Heels - Ouch

 ·         Tattoo - Expensive

 ·         Abraham - CHILDREN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Know Some Body: Fehi Ditoka

A few posts ago I wrote about a new series I wanted to start, where I'd throw out a bunch of hard (and soft) hitting questions to all sorts of people then post their raw responses on this here blog. I wanted to ask questions that I knew people secretly rehearsed responses to in their daydreams or never really thought about. I wanted to offer questions that threw them off their usual train of thought and forced them into self-reflection of their past, present and future selves.

 

The whole point behind this series started off as me just wanting to ask friends fun questions so we could all have a laugh but FOR SOME REASON it turned into something a little deeper. I realized that questions have this unbelievable ability to grab a chunk of a person's heart or mind and lay it out for others to see. So I thought, maybe I should make these questions worthwhile, make them count for something, make them result in chunks that people will be inspired by. And timing couldn't be more perfect for my first victim...I MEAN...participant. Fehi Ditoka. She's just wrapped up a whirlwind preparation and candidacy as Ms. SUPERDRUG at one of Fiji's most famous events of the year, the Ms. Hibiscus Pageant. She won the hearts of so many with her beautiful voice, gentle spirit and wide-eyed gorgeous smile. And hopefully with her responses you'll take away a few chunks here and there about the person she really is and even about the person you really are.

 

What is the perfect day for you?

Those days when you're so so busy with whatever you have to do during the day. You're so busy and then you make your way home. You're at the door and you hear the familiar sound of FAMILY! Laughter ringing through the corridors and sometimes angry shouts flying from one room to another. THAT is the perfect day for me. Sometimes I get home super late though and everyone's already dozed off. I honestly hate those.

What cartoon character could you see yourself having an actual deep conversation with? 

 Does Pocahontas count? Because I could see us chatting for days. We're similar in a lot of ways. We belong to tribes, we cherish our land and our people, we're also such heroes. Haha! Joking, joking. Really though.

What are some misconceptions about you?

Misconceptions…maybe that I'm scary? And that I'm this serious, uptight individual. I am probably one of the most laid back people on this planet. I  also mind my own business despite the many social network accounts I have. I think there's also a misconception that I've got everything sorted and I'm the perfect daughter/sister but I have so many personal - character, attitude, mindset - problems that I'm working on.

 

If there was a moment in your past you could go back to and sit down and talk to your past self to warn them what would it be, what would you say?

As a young girl, I was molested. I've thought countless times about whether I'd alter my past if I had a chance.  I wouldn't change anything about what's happened because there are so many young girls AND BOYS who struggle with the same problem. I wouldn't KNOW exactly what they're thinking or feeling if I hadn't gone through it myself. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved a normal childhood. I've questioned God over and over and over again like, "God, why would You let something like this happen to me?" It became extremely personal for me in the sense that I began to think that God had targeted me. I also started to get really big-headed because I thought, "Yes, God does give His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers." So I became proud and arrogant. Now, I am so humbled because I actually discovered that sooo many of my own girlfriends had gone through the same ordeal. They had been molested, abused, BETRAYED by the men in their own families and I can help because I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE and I KNOW THAT GOD DOESN'T LET THESE THINGS GO UNNOTICED. HE DOESN'T LOVE ME LESS BECAUSE THESE THINGS HAPPENED TO ME. HE ALSO DIDN'T LET IT HAPPEN BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LOVE ME. Unfortunately, I had to struggle and cry myself to sleep so many nights because of the same exact lies. So, If I could go back and sit down and talk to my past self, I would say, "SOMETHING HORRIBLE IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO GO THROUGH IS NOT GOD'S HEART AND MIND FOR YOU. THE DEVIL IS GOING TO LIE TO YOU AND SAY THAT YOU ARE FILTHY AND HE'S GOING TO TRY TO MAKE YOU FEEL UNLOVED. BUT REMEMBER WHAT GOD SAYS: 'I WILL NOT GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN BEAR. I WILL TEST YOU BUT I WILL ALSO PROVIDE A WAY OUT'. NOW YOU HOLD ON AND USE IT FOR GOD'S GLORY!!!"

PS: He really can turn your mourning into dancing! 

     
What genuinely scares you? And I’m not talking about spiders, snakes or the boogeyman.

I am so afraid of living life in vain. The thought that I'd die without fulfilling my purpose and never reach the climax of knowing God terrifies me. I want to know God as if He were my own soul and  that's usually my waking thought, my dream, daydream even - that point of intimacy where two become one!

I also have this crazy fear of my sisters being kidnapped, abused, raped, trafficked. I wouldn't know how to live with myself if anything like that ever happened to them. So I'm all eyes and ears when I'm out with my sisters. Oh and I fear P.S. I Love You happening to me. Saddest.

What emotion do you wish you could you live without?

Stubbornness? I think that qualifies. Naturally, I can be a very stubborn person. Sometimes I wake up and just not feel like talking to anyone or acknowledging anyone. I wake up so grumpy. I have the funniest and most extreme mood swings. I can be happy, chatting here and there and that can suddenly DROP! I don't like that about myself and I'm working on it.

     
What has been a BIG life changing spiritual lesson for you since becoming a Christian?

I was raised in a Christian home. I grew up with Bible stories of Abraham and Moses and David and all these Conquerors of the Impossible. It was a good thing but it was also not so good in that it  became a religion for me. I stuck religiously to the..."If you do this, you're a sinner and God don't like sinners." So, I simultaneously developed a fear for this God AND a love for religion. I think that, consequently, the hardest thing for me since becoming a Christian was trusting and REMEMBERING that God has forgiven me. Even after being born again and being convicted of such crazy wondrous love, I always felt like I wasn't good enough and that I had to DO something in my own power to measure up. What I'd do then is I'd clean my iTunes of any kind of song that doesn't have the name of Jesus in it, I'd talk about Jesus all day and smile from ear to ear with the name of JE-ZUZZZ on my lips and in my mind and…all to make me feel good and accepted again. It's taking my whole being…literally ALL OF ME…to REMEMBER, REMEMBER, REMEMBER and TRUST, TRUST, TRUST that God loves me and He's done all that needed to be and could be done for my acceptance, my redemption. The funny thing is that it's sooo simple and sooo much easier just to say, "God, I thank You for Your forgiveness and I live by it every day of my life" than to PERFORM to measure up. Yet, it's probably the hardest lesson I've had to learn over the years. And I'm still learning.

 

 I feel like people talk a lot about their weaknesses in the spirit, tell me what you think your strengths are?

I like to look at my ability to be easily broken as a strength. God could break me without even uttering a word. I could just SIT in His presence and break. I always have to keep that in check though because it could just be my emotions playing up. I love heart break sessions though. Especially when it's God doing the breaking.

Were you one of those people that knew what they wanted to do since they were kids?

Yes and No. I remember wanting to be a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, a psychologist…the career path kept changing like the seasons. However, in the back of my mind, I've always held to what one of my aunties prayerfully prophesied over my life. In a vision, she saw me SINGING for God and I have my will bent on that.

Do you have a friend(s) that would gladly lay their life down for you? Would you do the same?

You would, wouldn't you?! Hahaha! Yes, I do have friends that would gladly lay their lives down for me. THAT! IS TRUE LOVE! Would I do the same? YES!

What is your favourite family memory?

An uncle of mine passed away about…7,8 years ago? Before he died, our family was always having tea at each other's houses. And we'd crash wherever we were for the whole weekend. Our main bases were at home (Namadi), at Nei Pou's (Kinoya), at Ta Suli's (Waila) and sometimes at Ta Joeli's (He's the one who passed away; Samabula). Oh my gosh, those days were the best! Ta Joeli was the eldest of my dad's siblings. "Gentle Giant" was the name that we remembered him by because he's this tall human being who had the most caring, generous heart. Oh man, those really  were the days!

 

If your life was made into a movie, give me a title and who would play you and would it have a happy or sad ending?

Oh dear! OK. Title would be (All I see is a black backdrop). I'd want Cate Blanchett to play me. She has this regal thing about her. I like regal. Lol. It would have a happy/sad ending. I'd die (sad) but dying is not the end for me (happy). 

What does emotional purity mean to you in a relationship?

Personally, it's the saving of my emotions and feelings for my husband. I was in a relationship last year but I'm so glad that I didn't spend sooooo much of my emotions on him. I mean, I was in it but I think I had been educated on emotional purity so I went in with my head NOT in the clouds. Like, I told myself, "I may not marry this guy and unless that happens, I'm not going to break loose with all deeezzze." I'm so glad I had my sanity in tact. It didn't take much to find the pieces of me that did get lost in the relationship.

If you have had a first love or even just a first relationship what have you learnt from it?

I've learnt that there's a long way to go before you settle down. It's natural to be attracted to the boys and to crave attention too but it's also so much better to just wait. See the world before you even consider settling down. Nowadays when I see 15-, 16-, 17-year-olds either raving or complaining about their love lives, I think "Face-palm. How can some girls be this lame?!" LOL! 

 

 You recently took part in one of Fiji’s most biggest and prestigious events, Ms. Hibiscus. Were you in it to win it or were you there just for the experience and why?

I prayed long and hard about Hibiscus before I decided to do it. I actually pressed in hard and hassled God. "God, I don't want to do this unless You do it with me. Please, please, please." And it was amazing! He just made everything WORK! (Rom 8:28) I wanted a particular designer, He set up the time and place for us to meet. We had no means of communication and had never made contact. But one Sunday morning, my mum was like, "Get up, we're going to see Hoerder today." Sure enough, we got to church and there he was. Any other Sunday and we wouldn't have crossed paths because the other Sundays he was and would be away. God provided, provided, provided. It was amazing.

My mum cried her heart out to God after Hibiscus finished. She was like, "God, You made everything work for our good. We were so sure Fehi was going to win because everything just fell into place. WHAT HAPPENED?! Why do that?" And God's like, "I gave her what she wanted - experience and exposure." My mum had nothing more to say.

When she told me about that, my mind took me back to the very beginning of my journey - my prayer. I DID PRAY FOR EXPERIENCE AND EXPOSURE. I DIDN'T PRAY FOR THE CROWN. I VIVIDLY REMEMBER TELLING GOD THAT I WAS GOING FOR THE EXPERIENCE AND EXPOSURE. I DIDN'T TELL ANYONE ELSE ABOUT THAT BUT THEN HEARING IT FROM MY MUM WAS LIKE WHAT THE HECK?!?! THAT WAS BETWEEN ME AND GOD!!! And I actually forgot about that after I didn't even make top 5. I was like, God, I could've won and I could've used that platform. Man, but God is serious when He says Ask and it shall be given. Hahaha!  I have no regrets and I'm so happy I did Hibiscus 2013. I know so much more, I've seen so much more…expanded my horizons and they can never be resized to small again.

 FIRST WORD THAT COMES TO YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU SEE…….

·         Cat - Garfield

·         Burger - FAT

·         Treadmill - Run

·         Ugg boots - Britney

·         Chuck Norris - Sunglasses

·         Skinny Jeans - Tight

·         Hitler - Depression

·         Goliath - POTE

 

Find Fehi at: @fehiOMD and Wordpress

Picture: via @fditoka (Instagram)

You’re just like everybody else.

What makes you so special? What makes you think you’re any different from any one else? You’re one person, and there’s probably a million out there just like you. People that laugh at the same things you do, get angry at the same things, who like the same things, who couldn’t care less about the same things, who share the same range of coordination or intelligence. You really aren’t anything “special”. We all bleed red, we all need oxygen, water and food to survive, we see, touch, hear, speak, listen all to a certain degree. There’s nothing “special” about these basic human functions. We all have the ability to do at least one of these things.

What then does it mean when the Bible tells us to be set apart?

Set apart from being human? How can you be different to others that you essentially share the exact same functions and characteristics with? We are all fundamentally the same, there is no changing that. We cannot choose to smell differently, to see differently, to hear differently or eat differently. Sure you can change what you choose to listen to or what you choose to eat but the function of these abilities cannot and will not change.

SO let me ask again, how do you attempt to be set apart from something that you fundamentally can NEVER be set apart from?

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Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

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By now you would’ve noticed (or not) that my morose ranting didn’t mention anything about the mind. Because truly that is where the real party is. Without getting too deeply philosophical, the mind is the source of our beliefs, prentendings, intents, knowledge and desires. Our minds are powerful in the simple way that they control and develop our emotions, the nature of our  behavioural attributes, our ability to understand social settings and to analyze these same functions in others.

 Although one’s intentions and beliefs are hidden away in one’s mind, they are eventually revealed through some sort of expressive movement or action. That is something you cannot hide. You know I’m angry because of how I act or the expression on my face. Although, things are not as simple as “she looks angry, therefore she IS angry”. The way our own minds perceive and analyse the physical intent of the other is always just an assumption. As I said earlier,essentially we are all human and share the exact same physical functions of survival. Where we differ is in our minds because although we may find the statement “in order to survive our bodies need oxygen” as TRUE. Not all of us find the statement “Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins” as TRUE. Our physical bodies share a truth, but our minds are able to choose a truth. That’s why it is written “…but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…”. BUT…how would I be “transformed” by “renewing” my mind?

Before Christ our minds have been collecting, adapting, assuming, pretending, building knowledge, and resistance and the ability to recognize different aspects of reality and emotion in ourselves and others. Imagine your mind doing this for years and years and thus, there are layers and layers of mental states that exist within you. That is why Christ tells you to press the reset button, “renew your mind” “put on the new self” (Colossians 3:10).  You cannot BE different or exist differently, if you do not THINK differently. When the renewing of the mind takes place, it takes place in the reflection of God’s own image. I don’t know about you, but I just got goosebumps. Like our minds of old, it was determined by what we saw, read, heard, felt, the people around us, events in our lives etc. And like minds of new the same things will determine its transformation. Therefore let the renewal be dominated by His Word, the appreciation of Creation, the loving of others, watching and listening to edifying content. Renewal is not instant nor is there a time limit to its process of transformation. Like your mind of old, it takes years, the rest of your life perhaps, but that’s the fun part. The discovering. The complete renewal I believe will not take place till our Saviour comes and makes us perfect.

To be set apart, is not about changing your look, there is no dress code for being a Christian because anyone can do that, ANYONE can look the part. To be set apart is to exist mentally renewed. I can still find the same things funny as a million other people, but beneath that single shallow layer is a deep sea of Christ-centered mental states that deem me as alien.